Why Irish themed bars are always shite. Avoid like the plague!

Why Irish themed bars are always shite and should be avoided like the plague

God I hate Irish themed bars, they are generally soul-less places, tat everywhere, and ran by people who have no idea about class or Irish culture. There are no Irish themed bars in Ireland so why are they so fucking popular!!! It’s the mcdonaldisation or starbucking of the bar world.

What is this Orishness that one can see in these bars – bicycles hanging from the rafters, turf in the fire, Guinness memorabilia, ancient books on shelves, shamrocks and Sheleighs on the wall, and old pictures of Ireland back in the day are everywhere? All this is a plague.

A good marker for me is if it’s called an Irish pub then it’s not an Irish pub. Or if it has a real tacky name (see above photo), or pseudo – Irish name then it’s a big no no. Have you ever seen those god damn awful Irish themed bars in London, “O’ Neills”, Christ on a bike they are woeful places to be. Just because you stick up a poster of “Irish doorways” or “Pubs of Ireland” doesn’t mean I have the urge to drink in your establishment. Fuck off!

First off, why the Irish? Well Ireland has a big reputation for drinking and alcohol – Guinness, whiskey, good sessions, the craic and all that, and deservedly so. We have the St. Patrick’s day thing as well and, of course, the Irish music, which helps.

A real Irish pub, when it’s on form, stands as one of the best places to be when the music plays, the drink flows, and the conversations enliven. Basically, they resemble any other pub, with normal names, selling normal beer, where normal people drink. So what makes them Irish then? Mostly, it’s the clientele. On pretty much any night, a good session could happen—musicians might crop up from anywhere, no set list, nothing planned. You go with the flow, no one needs to prove how Irish they are—they just are, that’s it. The atmosphere feels informal and friendly, and the people running them remain genuine.

Now, a lot of Irish people run Irish-themed bars abroad, often with Irish staff, catering to the ex-pat community. Many of the original ones that first appeared provided decent places to drink. To be fair, the Irish do play the Paddywhackery card as well, when it suits (Jesus, just look at any Irish person who ever worked for the BBC). They play the “Orishness” to a tee sometimes, but at least keep it in check most of the time or to a bare minimum.

But then it got out of hand, and every new bar in town turned into an “Oirish” bar—people just took the Mick (literally!). They know it’s a joke, or at least they should admit it. These bars cater to tourists, light or casual drinkers, hipsters, and wankers. Too afraid to head downtown to the edgier part of town or drink with real people where there might be some real atmosphere, they prefer to drink in an “Oirish” bar. Well, it’s a safe choice; you know what to expect, and no one will shout at or molest you!

And don’t forget the food—ha ha—fish and chips, loads of potatoes, and an Irish breakfast. Ha, don’t make me puke. When I was a nipper, bars only offered a bag of crisps and maybe some hang sandwiches!

an Irish breakfast

I prefer the good old Irish bars of yesteryear—dark, brooding places with a hint of dodginess. An air of aggression lingered, with horse racing non-stop on the TV and old men ranting away in the corner. No blaring music, just the Dubliners on an endless loop. And when a certain hour hit, the madness began—but when exactly? As for the toilets? Ha, best not go there!

pub toilet

So what can we do about it all then? Well don’t frequent these places. If it screams Orishness then don’t go in! Please! Enough decent bars all over the world are dying due to this infestation of Paddywhackery.

And will someone please tell the yanks to stop calling it St Patty’s day!!!!!!