drinking rules

My top rules for drinking

Drinking rules for the discernible drinker, can be taken seriously, or not!

Alcohol, and lots of it

1) If want to play with the big boys please try and drink your shots straight and neat. There is nothing worse than seeing someone mixing coke with a perfectly good whiskey, or putting orange into decent Russian vodka. STOP THAT! If you can’t handle the taste then don’t drink it, just drink the coke instead. If you want to get smashed then just take some cider and some pills. The only thing, and I mean the only thing, would be a small dash of water with a whiskey, as that’s good for the taste and alcohol content.

2) Sometimes it pays to drink in preparation for drinking. Going out these days is bloody expensive. I prefer a cheap wine and about 4 beers; it’s a great combo in prep for the pub later. No harm with this, as it can cost and arm and a leg to spend the whole night drinking in a bar so if already in the “zone” before you walk into the bar you can save a lot of quid!

3) If a bird is still ugly after about 7 pints then give up, she isn’t going to look any better, and will be hard to displace in the morning when you have your hangover.

4) Drinking games are for mugs and people who don’t know how to drink, or Americans. The whole purpose of drinking in a bar is to drink alcohol and have a good time, not to play silly games that restrict your drinking. Can never understand them, surely a punishment for not doing well in a drinking game is to not drink!

5) Always stick about in a bar or club or just around outside, till the very end, as that’s more than likely when the real shit starts. So many good sessions I have drunk in have started when most people go home. There is always someone up for more fun, ALWAYS.

6) If you sense you did something dodgy the night before then I strongly recommend to try not knowing about the full gory details as no good will come of this. Alcohol the day after is a depressing place to be, and hearing what you got on the night will just make you more pissed off. Better to ignore it, and after a week any shit you did should be forgotten or in the annals of bar folklore. Can always deny any story, or, better, blame it on someone else!

7) Best and only hangover cure is….more drink! If desperate could have some cocktails (yes I know they are mixes but still!!). I am usually back to normal after the 3rd or 4th drink, then I am buzzing again, simples!

8) Don’t be a beer snob. All beer has its own strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes it can be good to have a light beer, like fosters or Budweiser, if relaxing. Nothing wrong with that at all. Can’t all have access, either, to great Belgian or German beers, sometimes we just have to drink what’s available.

9) No woman or non drinker will ever care about your beer stories; in fact they will be frowned upon. Good beer stories should stay in the bar. What sounds hilarious in the bar NEVER sounds good in the real world.

10) NEVER turn down a free drink or on offer to go to the bar. Are you freaking crazy, life is to short for that craic, what else would you be doing? Hoovering?

11) A hard one, but try not to eat when you are finished drinking. Near impossible I know, but the food is just lying there on top of all your nights drinking and will lie there all night just floating around in your stomach. Also the toilet the next day will be like a bomb site. Just go to bed quickly and have a nice fry up in the morning.

12) Don’t count your drinks. Shouldn’t be a problem really to most but its kind of strange if you do. Why would you even try, its not a competition.

13) If you owe someone money its always a good idea to repay them in the bar. They should instantly buy you a beer at the minimum, if not then they are cunts!

14) Toasting when downing shots is basic good manners. I also like to toast the first Guinness or decent beer when starting a long session

15) It is ok to drink alone, an oldie but perfectly fine. Might look edgy after all, and if you are there long enough you will meet other like minded people soon enough, if you want!

16) If bored in certain company in a bar just leave. You will look mysterious and cool, and can build up a mystifying persona. No point just dragging out a boring night when there are so many other bars and clubs that you could be in having the great time.

17) If you had a fierce argument with bar staff always try to apologise as soon as possible. They are the gate keepers, you don’t want to make them pissed off, and you don’t want to get a bad reputation.

So these are my drinking rules……drinking rules that you can either take it or leave it…….enjoy!